Once in a while...

Work, work and more work... I don't like it but I do it for the money...., can't wait until I get back home again!


There's so much I'd like to change....
There's so much that I long for...
Help me choose...

Another Saturday

Yes it is saturday once again. Here are some short notes:

-I'm not the emotional type, but sometimes my bubble burst. But that is only at rare occasions. Just so you know.

-I can't believe that it's only 1 week left of exams and four weeks to graduation, and two to my job interview! Time flies!

-Studying chemistry and psychology is not going that well, I fell asleep!! In my pscyhology folder ,That's bad.

- I love Tan in a Can xD, more precisely Ambre solarire self-tan in spray form. Btw self-tan products all contain Dihydroxyacetone (DHA) which I know asmy Extended Essay was inspired by the reaction of DHA and aminoacids in the skin!

- I'm a Pro at making Pannacotta, if you didn't know that

- My ball gown is in the colour Petrol, which looks a lot like turquoise.

- I <3 my new sandals.

- I love my life, my friends and my family as simply as that

- My songwriting skills are not improving, it just ends up it BAD POEMS xD
I will show you next time around.

HAve a awesome day !!

XOXO

word vomit (don't read please)

It's so difficult to believe it but I know it is true. I hate getting disappointed. Especially in those who are so close to me. But I absolutely hate when people go behind my back or doesn't listen to what I am saying!! I hate being the people pleaser that I am as it is so exhausting to live up to the expectations and standards of different people. I've always tried to be perfect but now I don't give a damn and am trying to ignore those people who does this to me. If they think I am a bitch, so be it. The worst thing though is that I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I bottle up my emotions, I just do. Not only feelings of frustration, sadness and anger, but also love and other deep emotions I cannot face. I am a coward, I know. But I don't have the inspiration and need to express it at this time in my life.
I have worked my ass off to be who everyone wants me to be, or at least who I think they want me to be. This ony counts for certain aspects of my life though. And it is now I see how my past has made marks which have shaped who I am in the present. My energy i got from my mother, the bottling up is from my dads part, but telling everything that's going on in my life to everyone is because of the separation which was caused by lies. I saw how lies and deceit can ruin a relationship. Which is kind of ironic since last year I got not one but two or three, I'm not quite sure, guys that had a girlfriend to like me and then they hid it to their loved ones, NOT GOOD, I ran to the hills when I realised this afterwards.
Ther are so many things from my childhood which I know what it have led to, such as my difficulties to trust people. I try but it is hard, because always when I have trusted someone I have been let down too many times.

However I had a great childhood really, I should not complain. Something that I realized today was that, once all i wanted was to move far far away because I felt lonely, misunderstood, and unhappy really. I was LOST. But now I think I have founf myself and I love my life, I don't love everything but most. For the past 6 months I have never felt so, let say appreciated, if you like. All the attention, guys saying that I am pretty and feeling like I finally belong, I have never felt that way and because of this I am getting second thought about what I want to do after graduation.. I can only wish that my dreams come true!

Last thing before going to bed. PLEASE mom have faith in my brother. He needs your support and you are letting him down. Changes don't happen over night. Something you really should know, it's not the first time I am disappointed in you but I really don't want to feel this way. I am tired of getting disappointed all the time, though I am used to it. Say you're sorry and stop being a nag and stop and listen to my carefully for once. I want to be heard when I am finally speaking up. Have faith and cut him some slack. He deserves it and my sister too, it's hard for both of them to live up to your expectations as they don't believe in the same as you and it's their choice what they want to do, give them advice but they choose which advice to follow, and as parents, you should listen and support, NOT JUDGE the way you do. I'm just saying.

Listen to me please.

feel this way..

I seriously got to step it up, I'm so lazy when it comes to studying chemistry and psychology. Today I have only read two chapters in my course companion. Not good.
to
However I have accomplished something; I have used my bike, 20 km in fact and been to the gym for about 30 min. xD
And tomorrow I'm picking up my ballgown or dress or whatever you want to call it,I can't wait! But I seriously need to lose weight before then. Oh god, wish me luck. And the last thing I've changed my mind... again! I've decided to become an au pair instead. Unless I change my mind yet again.



(When did I feel like this before?, I don't know. Usually I don't mind making a fool out of myself, it's a good laugh and I do it all time. But suddenly I am all conscious about what I do and trying hard to be the beat I can. This is not good!! xD I sould get it out of my mind now, but I can't, Oh no..)

don't bother

this is simply something with no connection to anything

I’m lying there staring out
Watching the rain drops hit the window
Wishing they could cleanse my heart
So that I could no longer feel the pain

I feel so alone
Now that you’re gone
I reached out to catch you
But I was too late

For what life have you left me for?
--------------------------------

Somewhere I know you’ll be
Someone who’ll have faith in me
Someone who can see
What I truly can be

Random ...

7 out of 14 are done!! Everything with exams are exhausting and I'm not pleased with my performance on the exams, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm definitely sleep deprived after this intense week.

I'm not a big fan of studying, it's extremely boring!!! I'm sick and tired of everything. What positive and negative about it is that it has made me, let's say emotionally numb. School is my no 1 priority, bt I'm trying hard not to lose track of the other parts of my life. It's not easy.

Hate and love. Both are very strong emotions and do you want to know something? Im not sure that I'm able to feel any of them. When you are keeping a secure distance from love, you tend to build up some kind of wall which is hard to penetrate. Especially if you have tried to put your self out there and what you get is disappointment, then you lose faith in love.
The truth is I've always envied the ones who are able to fall in love and stay there. I never have, I simply can't believe in love or people for that matter. But the best and the worst thing with me is that if I would end up meeting someone I tend not to have too high expectations or demand anything of them as I know that the chance of being left for someone else is too high. So I choose the high way, or the simple way, where I won't end up heartbroken.
When surrounded with couples and I realize that I'm the only single in the room I can't help but feel liek an outsider and long to become one of them. But are couples happier? Behind the scenes the beauty of a relationship vanishes, it becomes real. That scares me and being single means to me that I am free to go my own way. I don't have to worry about someone else. To me that is awesome! I'm not a relationship orientated girl, if I would get into a relationship however, I would probably need some serious guidance and I need that person to be extremely patient with me as I scare easily. Haha, I'm a girly girl usually but when it comes to love I'm more like the male stereotype, which I hope you all are familiar with.
I think I'm more valuable as a friend rather than a girlfriend.

If you seriously have read through all this text I must say, Are YOU crazy? That was extremely unecessary when all it actually says; Love is minor, friendship is Everything. I'll be your friend if you'll be mine xD


XOXO

I feel so bad..

... for not studying as well as I'm supposed to! I'm trying, but it's a lot of information to put in my head and it's exhausting.
I'm freaking out over exams! I'm not ready especially not in Chemistry:S, oh well I just have to do my best and party away all frustration and anxiety afterwards.

Oh well

I watched a documentary about blondes the other day. They were discussing and experimenting on whether blondes really get more male attention. I don't agree completely as I got friends who are gorgeous brunettes that receive a lot more attention than I do. BUt heres the thing, it is the type of attention that differs.
E.g. Blondes are really thought to be less intelligent than brunettes, when I tell people that I am in IB they look at me like, Really? You? and if a guy is more relationship oriented they don't go running after me but my fiends.
I shouldn't complain really, I absolutely LOVE the attention even though I can't quite understand what the hell they see in me xD

Soon

Time does not fix anything but does help you find a solution to your problems. Well, I haven't solved my problems but it has helped me reach a decision.

Take one day at a time. Appreciate what that day has to offer and continue living your life the way you want, so that each day can be more or less memorable. School is the most important now these coming three weeks and I hope everyone can understand that I will not be all that socialduring those weeks.

Right now, Love Secondhand Serenade


the wind is blowing weakly and softly caresses your skin
the sun is shining, providing warmth that reaches your heart
each day is a battle which you don't always win
each day is a new day, a day with a new start
....

MAY!!

I can't believe it but what is left of the entire IB is the exams, which will start this Monday!!! I'm getting so nervous.

to whats been going on.

Yesterday I went to Faktoriet and I was so glad to meet everyone again. Andreas, Robin B, Robin K, Lars, Erik etc.. I really enjoyed it surprisingly enough. And ofcourse it feels great to hear that I am good looking from not one but several of the guys there. Even if I can't quite believe it myself.

I have a dilemma to work through. What if you meet a guy which has told you that he and his girlfriend has broken up but in fact no one else knows about it and others are surprised when I or eg my cousin accidentally tell them, and then you have this other guy who is extremely sweet and makes you feel all bubbly and don't know what to do with yourself when you're around him. Who would you choose? Or more exactly what would you do.
And here's the thing I might go away to London around June 14 and be gone for about 6 months. Is it then really worth it putting yourself through this emotional mess?

Tell ya more later

XOXO

ALSACE

TOmorrow afternoon I'll be heading off to the airport with my family, and early on friday morning we will be jumping on the plane to Colmar and then get to Alsace where the actual orienteering will take place. More on this will come up after the trip. I CAN'T WAIT!

What else can I mention... hmm... oh yes I'm a bit concerned regarding working in London. I HOPE it will turn out the way I want it to work out, but I'' just have to wait and see.

AND Tomorrow will be the last day with lessons! After that I will have revision until May 4th. !

Have a great day everyone , It's raining here and cleaning the house and packing is not something that I would call fun.

XOXO

I can't wait....

I can't wait until I move to London! If I get one the jobs that I've applied for that is. It would be so awesome!

Now I have no more hand ins to the IB and only 6 days left with lessons and its 8 days until I'll go to Alsace to orienteer! I feel so relieved!

If I pass the exams in may as well as my driver's license and have time to go on the trip with the girls, this year will be the BEST YEAR EVER!!!

Today however when I got up I went for a one hour walk and when I came home I jogged about 4½ km. I love it! and tomorrow I'm going to get my phone back and hopefully it will work as it used to but the chances are LOW.

Hope your day has been as great as mine.

Everything is getting sorted out finally :D

XOXO

Another weekend

I have dreams that all. But will any of them come true? We use dreams as an escape from reality, but sometimes the dreams are so wonderful that we never want to leave them. I dream of getting away, being independent again, finding love, happiness and bliss. Just like some many other people in the world. But these dreams I've had as long as I can remember. I wasn't an outsider but I never felt like I belonged anywhere except now, still I don't want to be stuck in the past. Its fromt he past we learn so that we can deal with the obstacles we meet in the future.

Saturday, it's all about movies - Bedtime stories - twice! Had a guy I've never met before here watching it with me one of the times, chocking I know... NOT. Greys anatomy, Confessions of a shopaholic and Traffic were some other movies I've watched throughout the day.

Sunday I'll continue wishing that I'll get one of the jobs I've applied for, and watch Therese play handball and of course go to the gym with Nickilina:)

So long, and sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite

XOXO

I and Anna are inseparable <3

What a friday

My mind couldn't be more disorganized than it is right now. All the worries about getting a job after graduation, applying to universities, applying for visa, finding somewhere to live if I get in to the desired program, how I am supposed to afford it, getting a drivers licence, studying for exams and getting good grades at the exams. On top of that there are of course other emotional issues I have to take care of. Thankfully I have my way of dealing with the pressure; working out! :D

Right now it feels like I'm falling a little behind with the revision of my subjects but as long as I pass chemistry I'll do fine :D. Nothing can bring me down right now, not even the depressing snowy and windy weather. I know I haven't got the job or anything but I just feel so happy with actually getting a reply on my e-mail showing my interest.

I got to tell you, last weekend I visited my grand parents for 4 days. Quite relaxing actually. Spent some time with my cousins too. Anyway when I and Elin was there we decided to try on some of the clothes that we found in the closets. OMG how silly we looked in those oversized dresses, too small overall somethings and really old clothes. I haven't laughed that much for a really long time. My cousin is the best and the funniest I know. She really is!

I were supposed to go to Arena this weekend as I'm on the list and get free entrance, Star Pilots and Linda rosing among others are there. But I think I will stay home instead. It's not worth it I think. Need some sleep I think as I have the craziest dreams lately. The last dream I had was about some kind of contest in which those who won, they won stuffed animals, real animals I might add and they were realy, really happy about it as well. Weird I know.

Here is the last picture of me which on BDB, Facebook and myspace nowadays.
See ya

XOXO

Seriously, I never remember to write anything in my blog. Oh well, maybe I should aim at writing at least once a week. A weekly blog. :)

Anyway, Friday was both a disaster and great. I will most likely get a scar on my leg after being accidentally pushed and some very tense feeling between my best friends. Not good.

The rest of the weekend was way better, sleeping, watching my little brother play handball and since we had some trouble with the Tv and so on I have watched DVD's instead. DVD's I've watched before I might add. Indiana Jones, Hancock, Intolerable Cruelty, Ice Age (Yes I know it's a childrens movie but it doesn't change the fact that I like it)and American Dreams. Neither of them any good really, but that doesn't matter just wanted something to watch really.
The last thing ofcourse was working out(jogging, handball and the gym) with my family. My sister wants to go to the gym all the time now as there is some eye candy there, one guy in particular. I must admit that is one of the reasons I go there also(a).Haha


On monday however I started the day by watching Shrek 3. I know another childrens movie. :P, And when I got to school later that I day I was thrilled to hear that our TOK presentation wasn't due until wednesday. So today, Tuesday I have only one lesson; Psychology! How great isn't that? I start 9.30 and end 10.30!

Well that's what I've been up to lately and I better get to class pretty soon. The last thing I want to add is. Yesterday I realized that I am once again trying to go back to the past I'm trying to leave behind. But I have a lot of emotional baggage left and I feel that it is holding me back. Stopping me from taking chances, falling in love is one of those chances I havn't dared to take. So therefore I have decided to let it all go. Of course I'll keep the memories, after all it is the past experiences that has shaped who I am today. But I am heading towards the future, so I'm cutting off the strings. I will no longer be a puppet.

Have a nice day !

XOXO

Pictures will be uploaded soon, I promise;P

Time pass by... Global warming & TOK

Shortly of what I've been up to lately:
1. Searching for universities
I've found three. Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona, Bond University and Greenwich university in which I want to study Criminology.
2.Looking for jobs :s (not going particularly well)
3. went to Idet, alone I might add, not the most brilliant idea I've ver had but it turned out okay, after all I met at least someone I knew which was really fun to hang out with. Successful night indeed.


The normal life of a normal IB student is to study everyday, after school and on weekend. Me, well I'm not that good at just the studying part anymore, due to that I'm so Sick n Tired of it all. But I have only 2 prestations left and the exams in May, phew!

The TOK presentation will be about global warming. Jessika, Malin and I will set up an imaginary TV-show in which I will be the host telling a short background and introducing ny two scientists with contradictory views about the very well discussed topic GLOBAL WARMING. Is the theory of global warming actually as dangerous as it is said to be or is it only a natural phenomena? That is what we are going to discuss and dig into a bit further.
I used to believe that global warming was a great issue and that it was caused by us humans. But as I've been searching the net and found so much contradictory information I start to wonder, Did I believe it only because of scientists and politicians, authorities told us that this was the undeniable truth and that they had overwhelming facts to support their claims, so that I forgot to look for other explanations? How do I really know that what they argue about on the news are hardcore facts and not only predictions and ideas made by inductive reasoning of the scientists? I will come back to this, after the break. (Hopefully :P)


XOXO

Another monday

Thankfully I'm off from school today. Slept until 10.45 which is very unusual for me. I mean it, sleeping until that late is usually impossible for me to do no matter of when I go to sleep.

I must say that I should listen to my intuition a lot more. I knew from the beginning that he was hiding something and I was right! After talking about sex for an hour, and answering a lot of questions I decided to get rid of him. No way I want to be his fuck buddy. HE's so not my type and I guess I rather want something more emotional with a guy rather than just sex.

That's that, now I better get back to my chemistry which I absolutely detest! It is extremely boring and there is something about rate of reaction that I simply don't get! Thinking about the boy at the gym isn't actually helping either.

Please give me the courage and the skills to flirt at least a little bit :P

XOXO
XOXO

Coming to an end

Onsdag- Trysil tack å Lov att Anna var med. VArför kan man inte bara lägga pengarna på en utlandsresa till typ Grekland? XD Love Greece!

Torsdag - Utgång med tjejerna- härligt att få dansa igen. Har verkligen saknat det. Bjuden på två drinkar mums

Fredag - Utgång igen med tjejerna. Inte lika roligt men fortfarande kul. Skrattade en hel del åt Sebastian so skuttade omkring på dansgolvet :P och de hemskt dumma Stockholmarna som än en gång bjöd oss på drinkar och kom inte ens ihåg att dom såg oss kvällen innan! Säffleborna kom iaf ihåg oss, tom att jag e från Stöllet oxå. Attans! xD

Lördag - Hemma kväll med Anna med tränade själv. Han var inte där denna gång.

Söndag - Jessica hälsar på och vi var till gymmet, han var inte där denna gången heller, sen blev det kladdkaka :D haha vi förstör för oss själva xD

Nu blir jag utfrågad av min 11 åriga kusin från Norge om när jag ska skaffa pojkvän. Haha hon tkr inte att jag flörtar tillräckligt mycket.

Så illa är det väl ändå inte. Inte mitt fel att jag är värdelös på att flirta, eller jo men jag är för feg helt enkelt. Nej nu ska jag fortsätta med mitt jobbsökande så jag förhoppningsvis får jobb efter skolan.

XOXO

Ambjörby

Jepp så är de, nu är det ambjörby som gäller. Jag å min kusin <3.

Mitt hår är nu gyllenblont och doftar härligt av hårfärg. Gudomligt.

Blir ingen träning heller,..på tre dagar! Abstinensen börjar redan krypa fram.
Suck men får väl kolla killar i skidbackarna i Branäs och Trysil. Kolla skadar aldrig ;P.

Lite stressigt blir det nu med packandet och hinna med bussen.

XOXO

Jo lekte med webben innan, så här är några suddiga saker.. ;p

Sportlovets början

Trött, trött och åter igen trött. Anna och jag höll oss vakna till halvfem imorse, skrev på msn och smsade och lekte med webkameran.Försökte klurar ut vad en hette här i Forshaga nämligen som jag ser på gymmet, sisädär nästan varje gång. Haha kuligt värre.
Annars idag har det blivit två timmars promenad med Elsa, 50 min springande och 45 min styrketräning och lite mer promenerande. Verkar inte som om jag gjort något annat idag men jag somnade på soffan idag i två timmar oxå. Skönt var det tills mamma kom hem och väckte mig.....

Har inte mått så himlans bra idag, trött och grinig på allt. Speciellt Mamma! Alltid i vägen, det sämsta är ju att hon inte lyssnar när man säger att man vill vara ifred heller. Högrisk för taskiga och ilskna kommentarer har det varit ända sedan fredag morgon klockan 5.
Jag har tänkt (en aning för mycket!)på allt egentligen, men jag kan inte bestämma mig för om mitt mitt är ledsamt, patetiskt eller bara too good to be true (ibland), just nu håller jag på ledsamt. Har inte festat på över tre veckor, tränar dagligen bara för att komma ut ur huset och bort från allt och alla, och nyligen har jag märkt att jag inte ens känner mitt eget ansikte, speciellt när jag tar kort. Förut visste jag precis hur jag skulle göra för att få ett bra kort men nu, är jag inte ens i närheten och ta en helkropps-bild kan man ju bara drömma om. Lite tragiskt. Måste ändra på det i under mars månad nu.

Mars = socialisera, träna (mycket), mindre socker,finna mig själv och PLUGG!! (mocks gick ju åt helvete)

men men, kanske borde blogga oftare också så det inte blir sådana halvmaraton inlägg två ggr i veckan xD

Här kommer även några (helfula, hmm) bilder på mig och anna från ikväll

XOXO

PS. Tänker INTE åka kortvasan igen. Nej, nej, alldeles för lång tråkigt för mig serru, och värken i ländryggen och mellan skuldrorna, AJ. DS.

XOXO

Äntligen Torsdag och sportlovet tar sin början. Jag och nya Cosmo sen är det sömn som gäller.

Med tanke på det lilla jag faktiskt pluggade innan provet så blev nog resultatet rätt hyfsat.. hoppas jag.

Om sanningen ska fram så är jag så fruktansvärt trött på allt plugg. Jag sneglar på högen med skolböcker vid sidan på mitt skrivbord och önskar att mardrömmen kunde försvinna och att det är eftermiddag den 22 Maj. Alla exams gjorde med hyfsat bra resultat. Min dröm.
Nej skolan är inget vidare, men det är vännerna man vill träffa. Önskar att jag är hemma i tid imorgon så man kan gå ut med tjejerna. Var några veckor sen sist. Och sen gymmet och eventuellt simma på lördag bara för att se om någon e där.. hmm...

Jag vet inte om det är pga mental utmattning eller om det är träningen, men jag känner mig så lugn inombords. Ensamhet finns där också men det är för att jag nästan isolerat mig själv i tre veckor och har ett kärleksliv lika levande som en sten i öknen. Ensamheten kommer jag nog bli av med så fort jag ger mig ut med Jessika och Malin igen.. :D

Our past, our expectations and the expectations of others lead us through most situations, but sometimes something intervene leaving us disoriented and lost...