word vomit (don't read please)

It's so difficult to believe it but I know it is true. I hate getting disappointed. Especially in those who are so close to me. But I absolutely hate when people go behind my back or doesn't listen to what I am saying!! I hate being the people pleaser that I am as it is so exhausting to live up to the expectations and standards of different people. I've always tried to be perfect but now I don't give a damn and am trying to ignore those people who does this to me. If they think I am a bitch, so be it. The worst thing though is that I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I bottle up my emotions, I just do. Not only feelings of frustration, sadness and anger, but also love and other deep emotions I cannot face. I am a coward, I know. But I don't have the inspiration and need to express it at this time in my life.
I have worked my ass off to be who everyone wants me to be, or at least who I think they want me to be. This ony counts for certain aspects of my life though. And it is now I see how my past has made marks which have shaped who I am in the present. My energy i got from my mother, the bottling up is from my dads part, but telling everything that's going on in my life to everyone is because of the separation which was caused by lies. I saw how lies and deceit can ruin a relationship. Which is kind of ironic since last year I got not one but two or three, I'm not quite sure, guys that had a girlfriend to like me and then they hid it to their loved ones, NOT GOOD, I ran to the hills when I realised this afterwards.
Ther are so many things from my childhood which I know what it have led to, such as my difficulties to trust people. I try but it is hard, because always when I have trusted someone I have been let down too many times.

However I had a great childhood really, I should not complain. Something that I realized today was that, once all i wanted was to move far far away because I felt lonely, misunderstood, and unhappy really. I was LOST. But now I think I have founf myself and I love my life, I don't love everything but most. For the past 6 months I have never felt so, let say appreciated, if you like. All the attention, guys saying that I am pretty and feeling like I finally belong, I have never felt that way and because of this I am getting second thought about what I want to do after graduation.. I can only wish that my dreams come true!

Last thing before going to bed. PLEASE mom have faith in my brother. He needs your support and you are letting him down. Changes don't happen over night. Something you really should know, it's not the first time I am disappointed in you but I really don't want to feel this way. I am tired of getting disappointed all the time, though I am used to it. Say you're sorry and stop being a nag and stop and listen to my carefully for once. I want to be heard when I am finally speaking up. Have faith and cut him some slack. He deserves it and my sister too, it's hard for both of them to live up to your expectations as they don't believe in the same as you and it's their choice what they want to do, give them advice but they choose which advice to follow, and as parents, you should listen and support, NOT JUDGE the way you do. I'm just saying.

Listen to me please.