Once in a while...

Work, work and more work... I don't like it but I do it for the money...., can't wait until I get back home again!


There's so much I'd like to change....
There's so much that I long for...
Help me choose...

Another Saturday

Yes it is saturday once again. Here are some short notes:

-I'm not the emotional type, but sometimes my bubble burst. But that is only at rare occasions. Just so you know.

-I can't believe that it's only 1 week left of exams and four weeks to graduation, and two to my job interview! Time flies!

-Studying chemistry and psychology is not going that well, I fell asleep!! In my pscyhology folder ,That's bad.

- I love Tan in a Can xD, more precisely Ambre solarire self-tan in spray form. Btw self-tan products all contain Dihydroxyacetone (DHA) which I know asmy Extended Essay was inspired by the reaction of DHA and aminoacids in the skin!

- I'm a Pro at making Pannacotta, if you didn't know that

- My ball gown is in the colour Petrol, which looks a lot like turquoise.

- I <3 my new sandals.

- I love my life, my friends and my family as simply as that

- My songwriting skills are not improving, it just ends up it BAD POEMS xD
I will show you next time around.

HAve a awesome day !!

XOXO

word vomit (don't read please)

It's so difficult to believe it but I know it is true. I hate getting disappointed. Especially in those who are so close to me. But I absolutely hate when people go behind my back or doesn't listen to what I am saying!! I hate being the people pleaser that I am as it is so exhausting to live up to the expectations and standards of different people. I've always tried to be perfect but now I don't give a damn and am trying to ignore those people who does this to me. If they think I am a bitch, so be it. The worst thing though is that I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I bottle up my emotions, I just do. Not only feelings of frustration, sadness and anger, but also love and other deep emotions I cannot face. I am a coward, I know. But I don't have the inspiration and need to express it at this time in my life.
I have worked my ass off to be who everyone wants me to be, or at least who I think they want me to be. This ony counts for certain aspects of my life though. And it is now I see how my past has made marks which have shaped who I am in the present. My energy i got from my mother, the bottling up is from my dads part, but telling everything that's going on in my life to everyone is because of the separation which was caused by lies. I saw how lies and deceit can ruin a relationship. Which is kind of ironic since last year I got not one but two or three, I'm not quite sure, guys that had a girlfriend to like me and then they hid it to their loved ones, NOT GOOD, I ran to the hills when I realised this afterwards.
Ther are so many things from my childhood which I know what it have led to, such as my difficulties to trust people. I try but it is hard, because always when I have trusted someone I have been let down too many times.

However I had a great childhood really, I should not complain. Something that I realized today was that, once all i wanted was to move far far away because I felt lonely, misunderstood, and unhappy really. I was LOST. But now I think I have founf myself and I love my life, I don't love everything but most. For the past 6 months I have never felt so, let say appreciated, if you like. All the attention, guys saying that I am pretty and feeling like I finally belong, I have never felt that way and because of this I am getting second thought about what I want to do after graduation.. I can only wish that my dreams come true!

Last thing before going to bed. PLEASE mom have faith in my brother. He needs your support and you are letting him down. Changes don't happen over night. Something you really should know, it's not the first time I am disappointed in you but I really don't want to feel this way. I am tired of getting disappointed all the time, though I am used to it. Say you're sorry and stop being a nag and stop and listen to my carefully for once. I want to be heard when I am finally speaking up. Have faith and cut him some slack. He deserves it and my sister too, it's hard for both of them to live up to your expectations as they don't believe in the same as you and it's their choice what they want to do, give them advice but they choose which advice to follow, and as parents, you should listen and support, NOT JUDGE the way you do. I'm just saying.

Listen to me please.

feel this way..

I seriously got to step it up, I'm so lazy when it comes to studying chemistry and psychology. Today I have only read two chapters in my course companion. Not good.
to
However I have accomplished something; I have used my bike, 20 km in fact and been to the gym for about 30 min. xD
And tomorrow I'm picking up my ballgown or dress or whatever you want to call it,I can't wait! But I seriously need to lose weight before then. Oh god, wish me luck. And the last thing I've changed my mind... again! I've decided to become an au pair instead. Unless I change my mind yet again.



(When did I feel like this before?, I don't know. Usually I don't mind making a fool out of myself, it's a good laugh and I do it all time. But suddenly I am all conscious about what I do and trying hard to be the beat I can. This is not good!! xD I sould get it out of my mind now, but I can't, Oh no..)

don't bother

this is simply something with no connection to anything

I’m lying there staring out
Watching the rain drops hit the window
Wishing they could cleanse my heart
So that I could no longer feel the pain

I feel so alone
Now that you’re gone
I reached out to catch you
But I was too late

For what life have you left me for?
--------------------------------

Somewhere I know you’ll be
Someone who’ll have faith in me
Someone who can see
What I truly can be

Random ...

7 out of 14 are done!! Everything with exams are exhausting and I'm not pleased with my performance on the exams, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm definitely sleep deprived after this intense week.

I'm not a big fan of studying, it's extremely boring!!! I'm sick and tired of everything. What positive and negative about it is that it has made me, let's say emotionally numb. School is my no 1 priority, bt I'm trying hard not to lose track of the other parts of my life. It's not easy.

Hate and love. Both are very strong emotions and do you want to know something? Im not sure that I'm able to feel any of them. When you are keeping a secure distance from love, you tend to build up some kind of wall which is hard to penetrate. Especially if you have tried to put your self out there and what you get is disappointment, then you lose faith in love.
The truth is I've always envied the ones who are able to fall in love and stay there. I never have, I simply can't believe in love or people for that matter. But the best and the worst thing with me is that if I would end up meeting someone I tend not to have too high expectations or demand anything of them as I know that the chance of being left for someone else is too high. So I choose the high way, or the simple way, where I won't end up heartbroken.
When surrounded with couples and I realize that I'm the only single in the room I can't help but feel liek an outsider and long to become one of them. But are couples happier? Behind the scenes the beauty of a relationship vanishes, it becomes real. That scares me and being single means to me that I am free to go my own way. I don't have to worry about someone else. To me that is awesome! I'm not a relationship orientated girl, if I would get into a relationship however, I would probably need some serious guidance and I need that person to be extremely patient with me as I scare easily. Haha, I'm a girly girl usually but when it comes to love I'm more like the male stereotype, which I hope you all are familiar with.
I think I'm more valuable as a friend rather than a girlfriend.

If you seriously have read through all this text I must say, Are YOU crazy? That was extremely unecessary when all it actually says; Love is minor, friendship is Everything. I'll be your friend if you'll be mine xD


XOXO

I feel so bad..

... for not studying as well as I'm supposed to! I'm trying, but it's a lot of information to put in my head and it's exhausting.
I'm freaking out over exams! I'm not ready especially not in Chemistry:S, oh well I just have to do my best and party away all frustration and anxiety afterwards.

Oh well

I watched a documentary about blondes the other day. They were discussing and experimenting on whether blondes really get more male attention. I don't agree completely as I got friends who are gorgeous brunettes that receive a lot more attention than I do. BUt heres the thing, it is the type of attention that differs.
E.g. Blondes are really thought to be less intelligent than brunettes, when I tell people that I am in IB they look at me like, Really? You? and if a guy is more relationship oriented they don't go running after me but my fiends.
I shouldn't complain really, I absolutely LOVE the attention even though I can't quite understand what the hell they see in me xD